Rejection, Regrets, Rejection and Learning to Live
by Megwill
Summary: Brennan's point of view. Basically condensed bit from the 100th on...the important moments and how you live and learn. When eventually with the right person, you do so with no regrets. Not one.


We started to walk off together, but then he stopped abruptly facing me. His expression was strangled as were the words that started to pour out of his mouth. "Bones, please….I…I want to give this a chance."

My eyes danced frantically in his my defenses suddenly went up at the possibility of what I thought he meant and what might come out of his mouth next. "What do you mean?"

"Us, you and me. Let's give us a shot. We deserve a shot Bones." His words were real and I searched his face for meaning. He was serious, very serious and desperate to the point of begging me. I didn't want to be here. No, no, no. This is not how tonight was supposed to end.

"You mean a relationship? More than partners?" I knew what he meant but post-ponning the truth is what I needed to do right now. He couldn't just throw this on me so quickly. All of this at once…I…I need time to make any decision precise and carefully. This was a huge decision.

My mind raced while he searched my eyes and my chest started to feel that burning sensation it did when I often thought of Booth. I felt my pulse rise and knew his was rising as well. Then my eyes stung and I knew I was crying out of frustration with myself and the situation I had managed to find myself in. I had fallen in love, this was love. I had never fallen or confronted any feelings of love. Love hurt. I didn't want to hurt but it was too late for that now.

I spoke as fast as my tears fell completely unsure of the words that left my lips. "But I…I…the F.B.I won't let us." It was an excuse that I clung too; glad that it was there for me to grab hold of because bottom line, I was terrified. So scared and so fucking confused and mad at myself. This emotion was not one I was use to confronting, ever. I had never let my guard down damn it.

Then he grabbed either side of my face and kissed me hard. For a millisecond I kissed him back and relished the moment that was gone as quick as it had started. Then I pushed him away hitting his shoulders desperate for this whole moment to never have existed.

"NO! NO! We can't…I can't."

"Why! Why not?" His eyes were desperately searching mine for an answer that I couldn't give him. I had answered it myself inside silently, but the words just wouldn't come out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even look him in the eye…hell mine were blurred over with tears anyway. His eyes were too.

"Because…you need protection!" I pushed him away as I metaphorically built my walls and tried to push the door shut and lock it but it was hard to do when he was pushing back on that door trying to get in. All he had to do was look at me and my walls fell; the door nonexistent, latch broken. I couldn't look in his eyes that were full of pain which I knew I caused.

"Protection? Protection from what?" He was dumbfounded and hurt. I was hurt too and sad for him. I felt horrible. I didn't realize that facing my feelings and burying them even deeper would only hurt me more. Hurt us both considerably more so than ever before.

"From me…" my voice had become weaker as I looked up at him hesitantly.

"From you? What are you talking about?"

"You're a gambler Booth I'm not a gambler I'm a scientist. I don't have your kind of open heart…I can't change. I'm not you." I looked away and wiped at my eyes.

"Why not? Why not Bones? Please…? You know those couples that have been together for thirty…forty…or fifty years? It's always the guy that says they knew. I knew Bones, I knew from the very beginning!" The tears fell faster and harder. He was crying as well, this was hell.

For any woman to hear those lovely words was hard if you planned on rejecting that person, but to hear them from someone that you loved was even harder. Especially when he said them so desperately, pleading with me. His guard down, he stood emotionally naked in front of me. Hard because the words came from someone I would die for. It killed me, killed me to hurt him like I knew I was going too.

I shook my head back and forth no and slumped against the wall as he did the same. In reality I just wanted to feel his lips on mine and go home together. I wanted him to hold me and show me how making love was different then just sex.

Though, I wouldn't allow myself that happiness. Instead I broke my best friend's heart, and mine as well. I felt like throwing up, badly. I had to say something as he rubbed his face mumbling that he had to move on…we both knew that was a lie. A thought entered my mind even though I already knew his answer. I needed to ask a question Booth thought was real but I knew was just to fill the silence.

"Can we still work together?" my voice was meek and my eyes full of gloss, expression contorted.

"Yeah, yeah of course." We both smiled sad smiles that said we both understood the unsaid even if we didn't understand our said words. Sometimes tears say all there is to say. Sometimes we have no choice but to walk away and sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes. Though, sometimes, when we think it's the end, it's only just begun. He draped his arm around me and I leaned my head on him sadly as we walked away together, forward.

Forward. Together. It was a start and our next big meeting at this place would show Booth had indeed moved on, everything would have changed. Though, I would find as would Booth that in reality nothing changed, not one damn thing. Unfortunately for Hannah Booth's ex-girlfriend Booth didn't realize he wasn't in love. He was in a relationship that started based on comfort and once back in the states there was no solidity to the relationship.

I was watching television with Angela and Hodgins once and a red headed woman who Booth claimed I was like on our first case was in a restroom explaining love to a heavier set blonde woman. I never forgot her words. _"Because the best relationships. The ones that last are the ones that are rooted in friendship. Then one day it's like a switch is flicked. You wake up and look at that person as more than a friend, and you know that, that is the only person you could ever imagine yourself with." _ I think the woman's name on the television program was Scullder, but I'm unsure.

Anyway, Hannah and Booth broke up and Hannah called me because just like everyone else she knew I would be there for Booth. He was my best friend and the switch had been flicked about eight months ago. He knew it and I knew that if I held out long enough and stayed there with him, that like he said, everything happened eventually. I also knew Booth's switch had been flicked but he had fought his feelings as well. I wasn't good with feelings but I knew Booth and I had a feeling he would give in to them eventually. Because well, we never really got over each other.

I needed to lose the last of my imperviousness and he needed to lose the anger he was carrying around. We would help each other and we did indeed. We shot Tommy Guns and laughed, eventually cases became 'normal' again. We laughed even more. Laughing helps to release endorphins in ones brain and raises serotonin levels. This decreases depression and stimulates energy. We needed each other's company, we needed to laugh again.

We spoke of more serious matters too. An unfortunate blizzard left us stuck in an elevator because of the blackout it had caused. We decided to speak the words aloud that needed to be addressed. It was obvious we both wanted to be a couple but the timing just wasn't right. I still needed to work on letting go of the last of my imperviousness and letting Booth all the way in my heart, giving it away. Booth needed to let go of the anger he had toward Hannah but mainly women in general.

One day wasn't such a good day at the lab, actually it was a day that I could count on one hand, a hand saved for only the worst of days. Everyone was stressed and working frantically on the Broadsky sniper case. It was a nasty case and proved it when Broadsky murdered my favorite intern Vincent Nigel Murray. The bullet was meant for Booth. Booth demanded I stay at his place that night. That night I ended up talking to Booth about how I felt about Vincent's tragic death.

We ended up finding comfort in one another. Yes, it was comfort sex, but it was also six years of love and passion pent up and finally released. So if it was making love, Booth was right. It was a hell of a lot better than sex. I cried, I never cry during sex. My heart was his and his mine, emotions ran wild. The light switch had been flicked and lit up the whole room. We basked in its glow, because we could and because the door was now wide open the latch undone.

My guard had fallen down for him and him only. I never realized that releasing, addressing and confronting my pent up feelings could make me feel so happy and light. I was suddenly carefree and the person that was once a best friend was now openly more and the only person I could ever imagine myself with. I liked that night and the ones that followed. I was loved, so loved and I loved as well. It didn't' hurt at all it was an enigmatic feeling. I never wanted the way I felt to end. Our hearts were metaphorically intertwined and I didn't want them to become undone, ever.

Little did I know our hearts had merged and would never come undone again, we had created life. An extra heart beat now beat inside of me. Half Booth and half me, I was terrified, nervous, yet excited all at once. Angela said nervous and excited felt the same. I don't know about that although they did use some of the same chemicals in the brain to function. Booth didn't know yet.

We were walking home from the hospital when I decided to tell him. "You would think they would be a little more apprehensive after just having a baby."

"Bones the baby is okay, they had a healthy baby. They love each other it's the best day of their lives. A baby is a good thing."

"You really think that?" My eyes searched his desperate for an answer.

"Yes, of course."

"I…I'm pregnant." His face fell and I held my breath. "You're the father." Then the large smile I loved so much spread across his face. He was happy.

"Yeah?"

I nodded and we laughed together my nervousness dissipating quickly. I had a feeling I wasn't going home alone tonight. I ended up being right as Booth's arm slid around my mid-section the whole walk to his apartment door. Inside the light switch lit up the room and we relished in the news, in the moment. Booth was very eager to show me just how happy he was, stunned, shocked, yet happy. I was eager to show him how much I loved him too.

Eight months went by fast and my emotional state was hell. Booth and I were practically living together and I now ate pie. Things had now changed, a baby changed everything. Though, I still loved him more than he would ever know and he still loved me and our unborn child. This only made me love him more. Usually the honeymoon period would have worn off in a new relationship but after nearly seven years our chemicals still reacted strongly toward one another.

Booth was overly protective and overly annoying since I had become pregnant. I knew it was because I was carrying his offspring but I was sick of his petty snapshots of me in all the most inopportune moments. I at least had blackmail on him. One morning was spent in bed late and Booth had got up to make us breakfast. He needed to refuel after last nights activities. I smiled as I grabbed my cell and peeked around the corner snapping a picture of him naked standing in front of the stove as he tended to the omelet.

"Bones!"

"Ha! Now stop taking pictures of me Booth." I smiled smugly and walked up to him wrapping my arms around him and laying my head on his shoulder. He only smiled and kissed my forehead.

Another discussion had come up sooner than I anticipated Living arrangements. I felt Booth should move in with me, but Booth not so much. He wanted me to live with him. I knew it had to do with his alpha male tendencies.

Though, my place would be more practical. My place was bigger and I had the three rooms we needed one room for Parker, a nursery, and us instead of the two rooms at Booth's place. Plus, Booth's place was too small for all of the baby's stuff he or she would eventually need. Booth became upset with me. We are both stubborn and eventually came to a compromise. Booth would live at my place until we found a place of our own, together. We agreed on a new house, a new life and new beginnings. Then fell asleep, together.

Soon I found out I was carrying a female and while I didn't show it I was happy to be having a girl. I just didn't know I felt that way yet. I let this information out at a crime scene and Booth wasn't too pleased. He had wanted to be there for the ultra-sound. I didn't see what the big deal was until later. I showed him the video of the ultra-sound and when I saw how happy he was I was at a loss of words and could only state the obvious and smile.

"You're happy." I smiled at him and he walked over to me on the couch.

"Of course I'm happy!" I smiled as he kissed my stomach and then me.

I didn't admit it but at that moment a bit of gloss welled in my eyes as I smiled along with him. We had come a long way from our emotional roller coaster of a ride in front of the Hoover on that particular night that I turned him down.

Though, one thing had remained the same through Hannah, through everything. We had walked off together that night side by side not one in front of the other. We still walked together. We remained partners, best friends and more. We learned no matter how hard one tried you can't fight your heart. So we remained always moving forward toward tomorrow, and we had no regrets. Not one.

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><p>I don't think I quoted what Scully from The X-Files said exactly, but I tried. Review and feel free to correct my Scully quote!<p> 


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